It's been a while.
A long while.
Update:
Joel and I broke up. Awful. Awful. Awful. He moved back home. Then we got back together for about oh..say..three days, but it's felt funky to me. And so i told him i couldn't be with him. Didn't take that so well. In fact..a lot worse than i expected. But that might have something to do with the fact that he didn't understand WHY i couldn't be with him. I explained it like this: the last couple months we lived together we clashed. Horribly. It was a nightmare. And he was mean mean mean a lot of the time. (not abusive or anything, just insensitive). I got to the point where i felt bad for even wanting to hang out with him, which..shouldn't happen. So the way i explained it to him was that he kinda chased me off and pushed me away. I'm like a frightened minerva (my rabbit). If you chase her around, she'll run from you every time you try to get close to her afterwards, even if you intend to be nice and pet her. Eventually, she'll come back on her own, but you can't force it out of her, you just have to wait. In this fucked up relationship situation, i am minerva, and i have to come back on my own. It's safe to say i don't trust Joel with my feelings right now.
SO fun.
Also, as of yesterday, might have mono. Can't wait to figure that out. In 12 days i turn 21.
Bleh.
Life has been new. and full of adventures lately, and it's awesome. Despite the mess between Joel and me. Which i guess we'll work out eventually? if nothing more, we'll be friends. So. Quick update. I have no idea if i'll ACTUALLY keep updating.
OH! And i have a new house! Or..i will in August! Can't wait! AND i was awarded a research grant. Spiffy <3
Tis all for now. Maybe forever? No idea.
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Juliana. Im sorry for all of this. I love you very much and I think of you everyday. I am so unhappy because you are not in my life. Something is missing and I dont think I will love another like I loved you. I fucked it all up and wish I hadn't . I want to try again and I wonder if you ever feel the way I do? Do you miss me the way I miss you. Do you think of me like I think of you? Do you still love me? I know that there is noone else I would rather be with and live the rest of my life with than you. I hope you respond and if your happy thats all I ask. Ive moved on but there is still a spot missing in my soul... and its vacant for you, my beautiful girl. I always wanted to start a family and be old with you. I still hold onto hope.
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